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Grab Bag Review: ‘Shark Night 3D’ – It Sucks!

How can you go wrong with Sharks eating college kids in 3D? You would think you’d have a winner on your hands but unfortunately this movie is so badly written that not even 3D can save this rotten fish from eating itself and crapping out a big fat turd of a movie. This movie is so bad that it’s not even worth paying to see it in any form what so ever, be it rental, Netflix, Redbox, or by any other means. In fact, they should have paid ME to go see this bomb.

Where do I even begin? How about with the main characters that are completely shallow and stereotypical of your horror/slasher films. Before the movie even began my buddy and I decided we’d play “Who Dies First?” after the opening credits. We didn’t know who was in it or what characters would show up but his guess was the “Dumb Blonde” and mine was “The Jock.” He won in the first five minutes.

The main characters are as follows and their names are of no significance because there is nothing memorable about them other than their identifiable characteristics. So we have the Whiney Blonde Girl, Normal Hero Guy (who loves Whiney Blonde Girl), Black Jock and his Girlfriend, Hunky Tan Blonde Dude, Nerdy Gamer (to serve as comic relief), Tattoo Rocker Girl (Katherine McPhee from American Idol), the Sheriff, Hillbilly Diver Dude (Whiney Blonde’s Ex) and his Snaggletoothed Sidekick. Oh, and the dog who saves the day, no kidding.

The story begins with the gang from school going to Whiney Blonde’s island home (in a lake) for a vacation. Black Jock, Tan Dude, and Hero Guy go wakeboarding with a shark that ends up eating Black Jock’s arm off. Hero Guy (who just happens to be a med student) decides they better take him back to shore for help and Black Jock’s girlfriend takes a ride on the boat back with them. On the way back another shark bumps the boat, Jock’s Girlfriend falls overboard and gets eaten by a shark. They all go back to the island home and Diver Dude with his Snaggletoothed Sidekick show up. They offer to take Nerdy Gamer and Tattoo Girl to shore to get help but after they leave we find out that Diver Dude and Snaggletooth are going to feed the two to some sharks AND it is them who put the sharks there in the first place!

Meanwhile back at the island home the Sheriff shows up and drugs Hero Guy and the dog that both pass out. Whiney Girl realizes this after finding the dog, goes to stab Sheriff but Snaggletooth and Diver Dude show up to save him. They take Whiney Girl out on the lake to feed her to sharks and Sheriff takes Hero Guy and ties him to a chair over a bunch of sharks in a boathouse.

So you’re probably asking yourself now “Where is Tan Dude and Black Jock?” Well, Tan Dude puts Black Jock on the back of a Wave Runner to save him but they are chased by a Shark and Black Jock jumps off to get eaten because he’s sad his girlfriend is dead. Tan Dude turns around to save him and the shark jumps up and eats him whole.

Back at the boathouse Sheriff explains everything to Hero Guy just before Hero Guy escapes and pushes Sheriff in to get eaten. What we learn from Sheriff is that there are cameras strapped to all these sharks that are recording their feedings, which are then broadcast on the web.

I’m going to stop there now because it’s all just too much. Oh wait, one more thing before I stop. Snaggletooth throws the dog in the water to get eaten but the dog shows back up later to help Whiney Girl and Hero Guy live!

This movie was so bad we applauded at the end. What’s even worse is that the 3D did absolutely nothing to enhance this piece of crap at all. There was maybe one shot of a shark coming at the screen that was semi-cool but that’s it. Everything else was just normal. The 3D was obviously a mechanism used to attract more money and a total waste.

I wish there was more to say here but unfortunately there really isn’t anything to add. Katherine McFee was in it who is eaten by little sharks and she doesn’t even sing! What a crock! I want my money back.

Should you go see this? NO, I will pay you not to. It’s not even bad funny, it’s just BAD! This is probably the worst movie I’ve seen this year.

I give this big fat stinking piece of crap NO BAGS! No bags for you!

0 out of 5

About the author

Sam Olecki

Sam is a certifiable smart-ass and Southern California native raised on the sarcastic and jaded L.A. smog. He received a B.A. in Film and Electronic Media from Long Beach State University focusing on Screen Writing, Film Theory, and alcohol. Sam studied improv with The Groundlings, performed in local theater, and has watched a lot of movies. When Sam isn't writing for GBC he likes to eat out and write reviews on Yelp.com, go running, watch the KTLA morning news, and play with his puppy.